I find myself in an odd position to start 2015 out in. I seem to be in two places at once. To be two people at once. There has always been a stark contrast between where I have believed myself to be at and where I'd like to be. I am my harshest critic. I've never been in a place where I have such great clarity of both positions though. Whereas before the latter always seemed to be a distant goal, I now see myself grasping ahold of these goals in reality. Before I seemed to be trapped in an inescapable hole but I now see that the way out of the hole was never to climb by my own strength, but instead that I can simply walk out because the pit was always a cave. My perception was simply wrong.
Foggy dreams have become sharpened and seem closely within grasp, the condemning voices within have fallen from shouts to whispers, confidence arises and for the first time in memory, I am trusting the hope that is growing inside.
The shift came when my perception changed. Instead of seeing a great chasm between who I was currently and who I wanted to become, I learned that I am already that person. I simply act outside of that reality because I have forgotten who I was made to be. If I was made in the image of a perfect God, then where are my faults? Some may reply, "You are a sinner saved by grace!" But I say, "I am not a sinner, I am a saint. Not by virtue of my actions, but by His. It's done and dealt with. Let it stay buried." So it is easy to forget due to lies I came to believe and constructed survival patterns I taught myself because I knew no other way. There has never been self condemnation in that, though I allowed myself to believe it and beat myself with it. Now that I remember who I am, I have no use of it and choose to discard it.
It's still an odd place to be. Seeing yourself in two positions though you're not. And yet you are. I have come face to face with patterns of thought and belief structures formed from my youngest years. I see them with great clarity. I know they are wrong and yet I still instinctively act them out. And yet I see them, for the very first time. And it feels like freedom. Freedom because I know I don't have to climb out because I will simply walk out over time. This is the true power of grace. It frees. It allows the freedom for our wrong thinking/acting/believing to become manifest so that it arises to the surface to be dealt with. It allows the freedom to choose if one wants to deal with it or not. And even if it is not dealt with the first time, grace allows the freedom to choose again the next time and time after time after time it gives that option, without fail.
How could I not respond to a love that offers that? Unyielding in its goodness, in its desire to see us free and remembering who we are. Gentle, never giving us more weight then we can shoulder. I have to chase it to see where it leads and yet I know it doesn't end, it only leads to more encounters of the same love. On and on it goes to new heights and new exciting discoveries.
And so I enter 2015 with excitement. My vision sharpens and am beginning to see deep dreams take shape before me as if it had a life of its own. I am forgetting who I thought I was and I am remembering who I am created to be. And it is amazing.
And so my prayer for all those who have partnered with me in this journey and those who are reading this letter is this. Blessed be your year. May you have experiences with the Father so rich and pronounced in His love that you are forever changed. May this be a year in your perception changes and you come face to face with the old, so that you can turn to the new. That you find a safe harbor, a safe people to community with. That you remember dreams you have forgotten and begin to see them take shape. That you remember the song of your heart. I bless you in the name of my Father, His Son and His Holy Spirit.
-Jonathan Craigmyle
Saturday, January 3, 2015
Friday, September 5, 2014
Revelation
Having a moment to finally catch my breath, I figured I should lay out some background information for those who are following but don't know my whole story.
I am currently living in Bayside California with 12 other men. I moved out here from Big Rock, Illinois in August to attend a school called Bethel School of Supernatural Discipleship (bssdcoast.org). They are the best kept secret out here. They are a branch school of Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry (bethelredding.com). The coast website is a tad light on info but if you navigate over to the Redding or the Lifehouse website, you'll get a bigger picture.
The purpose of the school is to create disciples. They focus on three things in this pursuit. God encounters, authentic community and culture shift. I'm not going to go any further on those points in this post. There is some information on the aforementioned sites.
Back to my story.
I have grown up within the christian culture and am quite familiar with cold, unmoving structure of legalism within it. It is a plain reflection of our culture in America. Everything bends to intellectualism. Problems are solved through the power of our own reasoning and anything that strays from that path is either brow-beaten into submission or removed altogether. Church leaders are praised for their false humility and size (results) of their church. Might makes right. This is the result of the culture overtaking the church, rather then the church overtaking the culture.
My childhood wasn't good.
Having gone through molestation at a young age and continuous bullying coming from multiple sources up until just before my teenage years, I arrived at those teenage years with a terrible self image and a deep depression.
Looking back, I'm not entirely sure how I survived those years. One thing I know with certainty is that God brought basketball into my life to help me cope. I played for a small home school team that had some amazing years. While they were dark years, having an outlet for my energy and having something to fight for saved my life. God in His kindness provided a basketball team that formed the same year I came out to the area. I can absolutely say that God created the team just for me. He is so good.
So! Having walked through these things I found myself coming out of my teenage years and at a crossroads. The battle in basketball had kept me in check but I was out of highschool. I had no idea what I would go to college for, much less have a desire to go. So college basketball was out of the picture. Combine my lack of knowing myself with a need for a battle to fight (without being violent) and I found myself in a confusing place where I hurt people and hurt myself.
After a few years of battling this and the culture of legalism within the church I was at the end of myself. So I made a deal with God. I told Him that if He wanted me to follow Him, He would have to let me know He was real and that He wanted me. I wanted to feel His presence. To know in the deepest parts of me that He loved me. I wanted more then mere head knowledge and the ability to repeat what my authorities told me was true about God.
Talk about a setup.
Shortly after this I found myself traveling to Toronto with family and a group of friends from my church to attend a Father's Love conference at Toronto Airport Christian Fellowship. On the way I made a decision in my heart. If He didn't show up here, I wanted nothing to do with Him.
From the moment I walked in I knew something was up. As soon as I stepped inside the sanctuary it felt as if Gods presence was tangible, as if I could reach out and grab a hold of it. The only word I could think of at the time to describe it was "thick". From the moment I arrived, God poured love into me. From the love of His presence to the love of His people, I couldn't get away from it and I didn't want to. I found myself addicted.
I arrived back home from that trip a changed man. The following ten years were a journey of discovery, forgiveness of self and others, restoration and growing in many other ways. A key part of that journey was the realization that I had allowed fear to be a controlling factor in the majority of my decisions. I could look back and see where each decision based on fear had brought me, and I could see that even though I hadn't allowed God authority in those decisions, His passion for me was so great that His mercy over-ruled my failures.
I began to realize that I could trust Him. I no longer wanted to agree with fear. It was over rated. What He had for me was so much better then anything I could do on my own. So finally, I sold out to Him. I felt God calling me to discipleship and that has led me to where I am now at this school.
There is a best that God has for us!
I wanted it but I couldn't get it allowing fear to make my choices for me. I've had to tell it no. I still hear it sometimes. It comes in many forms and sometimes it appears larger then what I know how to deal with. But if I take my focus off the problem and turn it onto God, if I begin to tell God how good He is, how kind He is. If I begin to worship Him, then suddenly my problem is not only manageable, it's laughable.
Do you know what someone who hates you can't stand? When you laugh at them. Their power over you disappears because all they had was intimidation and now even that is gone. The enemy of our souls can't deal with it.
Laughter comes from joy. Joy comes from God. It comes from when you look at Him in passionate love and He looks back in joy and suddenly, it's your joy because you see yourself through His eyes.
And what He see at that moment is His deepest desire.
You.
I am currently living in Bayside California with 12 other men. I moved out here from Big Rock, Illinois in August to attend a school called Bethel School of Supernatural Discipleship (bssdcoast.org). They are the best kept secret out here. They are a branch school of Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry (bethelredding.com). The coast website is a tad light on info but if you navigate over to the Redding or the Lifehouse website, you'll get a bigger picture.
The purpose of the school is to create disciples. They focus on three things in this pursuit. God encounters, authentic community and culture shift. I'm not going to go any further on those points in this post. There is some information on the aforementioned sites.
Back to my story.
I have grown up within the christian culture and am quite familiar with cold, unmoving structure of legalism within it. It is a plain reflection of our culture in America. Everything bends to intellectualism. Problems are solved through the power of our own reasoning and anything that strays from that path is either brow-beaten into submission or removed altogether. Church leaders are praised for their false humility and size (results) of their church. Might makes right. This is the result of the culture overtaking the church, rather then the church overtaking the culture.
My childhood wasn't good.
Having gone through molestation at a young age and continuous bullying coming from multiple sources up until just before my teenage years, I arrived at those teenage years with a terrible self image and a deep depression.
Looking back, I'm not entirely sure how I survived those years. One thing I know with certainty is that God brought basketball into my life to help me cope. I played for a small home school team that had some amazing years. While they were dark years, having an outlet for my energy and having something to fight for saved my life. God in His kindness provided a basketball team that formed the same year I came out to the area. I can absolutely say that God created the team just for me. He is so good.
So! Having walked through these things I found myself coming out of my teenage years and at a crossroads. The battle in basketball had kept me in check but I was out of highschool. I had no idea what I would go to college for, much less have a desire to go. So college basketball was out of the picture. Combine my lack of knowing myself with a need for a battle to fight (without being violent) and I found myself in a confusing place where I hurt people and hurt myself.
After a few years of battling this and the culture of legalism within the church I was at the end of myself. So I made a deal with God. I told Him that if He wanted me to follow Him, He would have to let me know He was real and that He wanted me. I wanted to feel His presence. To know in the deepest parts of me that He loved me. I wanted more then mere head knowledge and the ability to repeat what my authorities told me was true about God.
Talk about a setup.
Shortly after this I found myself traveling to Toronto with family and a group of friends from my church to attend a Father's Love conference at Toronto Airport Christian Fellowship. On the way I made a decision in my heart. If He didn't show up here, I wanted nothing to do with Him.
From the moment I walked in I knew something was up. As soon as I stepped inside the sanctuary it felt as if Gods presence was tangible, as if I could reach out and grab a hold of it. The only word I could think of at the time to describe it was "thick". From the moment I arrived, God poured love into me. From the love of His presence to the love of His people, I couldn't get away from it and I didn't want to. I found myself addicted.
I arrived back home from that trip a changed man. The following ten years were a journey of discovery, forgiveness of self and others, restoration and growing in many other ways. A key part of that journey was the realization that I had allowed fear to be a controlling factor in the majority of my decisions. I could look back and see where each decision based on fear had brought me, and I could see that even though I hadn't allowed God authority in those decisions, His passion for me was so great that His mercy over-ruled my failures.
I began to realize that I could trust Him. I no longer wanted to agree with fear. It was over rated. What He had for me was so much better then anything I could do on my own. So finally, I sold out to Him. I felt God calling me to discipleship and that has led me to where I am now at this school.
There is a best that God has for us!
I wanted it but I couldn't get it allowing fear to make my choices for me. I've had to tell it no. I still hear it sometimes. It comes in many forms and sometimes it appears larger then what I know how to deal with. But if I take my focus off the problem and turn it onto God, if I begin to tell God how good He is, how kind He is. If I begin to worship Him, then suddenly my problem is not only manageable, it's laughable.
Do you know what someone who hates you can't stand? When you laugh at them. Their power over you disappears because all they had was intimidation and now even that is gone. The enemy of our souls can't deal with it.
Laughter comes from joy. Joy comes from God. It comes from when you look at Him in passionate love and He looks back in joy and suddenly, it's your joy because you see yourself through His eyes.
And what He see at that moment is His deepest desire.
You.
Thursday, August 21, 2014
Put Your Wingsuit On
It was about a month before I started applying to schools. I was at my church and I found myself locked onto a statement in the weekly bulletin. The author was Martin Luther. For a reason beyond my understanding I couldn't pull my attention away from it. I eventually tore it out and took it with me, tucking it in my car and periodically reading it.
Fast forward a few months. I'd gone through the interview process for Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry and had just received a letter from the school informing me that I would not be attending their school this year, but after much prayer and consideration they had forwarded my application to a sister school of theirs, Bethel School of Supernatural Discipleship.
At first, I was disappointed. "What is this God?" I asked. "I thought Bethel Redding was where I was going? I thought I was heading into the ministry field, hence the School of Ministry?"
Obviously though, as He so often does, God had a better plan then mine. I had lost sight of that for a moment. But the Holy Spirit in His characteristic kindness reminded me that He knew what He was doing.
Like a child tugging on your sleeve to get your attention, I heard the Holy Spirit say, "Do you remember that statement in the church bulletin I had you pull out?" He asked. "Yea, what about it?" I replied. "Go read it again."
This is what it said.
"Become a Disciple First"
"In holy and divine matters one must first hear rather than see, first believe rather than understand, first be grasped rather than grasp, first be captured rather than capture, first learn rather than teach, first be a disciple rather than a teacher and master of his own.
We have an ear so that we may submit to others, and eyes that we may take care of others. Therefore, whoever in the church wants to become an eye and a leader and master of others, let him become an ear and a disciple first. This first.
The one who has not been tempted, what kind of things does he know? One who has not had experience, what kind of things does he know?
One who does not from experience know what temptations are like, will transmit not things that are known, but either things that are heard or seen, or, what is more dangerous, his own thoughts.
Therefore let him who wants to be sure and wants to counsel others faithfully first have some experience himself, first carry the cross himself and lead the way by his example, and so he will be made certain that he can also be of service to others."
School of Discipleship. Become a disciple first. It's what I've been doing with my pastor Tom May every Monday afternoon for the past three years. It has been my life the past three years. It is what I will be doing this next year in California. Before I can be entrusted with the hearts and minds of people, God will first make sure that what I transmit will not be of myself but of Him, wholly and entirely.
And He has left me a personal note as a reminder whenever I lose focus.
It's going to be an amazing year.
-Disciple of Christ, Jonathan Craigmyle
Fast forward a few months. I'd gone through the interview process for Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry and had just received a letter from the school informing me that I would not be attending their school this year, but after much prayer and consideration they had forwarded my application to a sister school of theirs, Bethel School of Supernatural Discipleship.
At first, I was disappointed. "What is this God?" I asked. "I thought Bethel Redding was where I was going? I thought I was heading into the ministry field, hence the School of Ministry?"
Obviously though, as He so often does, God had a better plan then mine. I had lost sight of that for a moment. But the Holy Spirit in His characteristic kindness reminded me that He knew what He was doing.
Like a child tugging on your sleeve to get your attention, I heard the Holy Spirit say, "Do you remember that statement in the church bulletin I had you pull out?" He asked. "Yea, what about it?" I replied. "Go read it again."
This is what it said.
"Become a Disciple First"
"In holy and divine matters one must first hear rather than see, first believe rather than understand, first be grasped rather than grasp, first be captured rather than capture, first learn rather than teach, first be a disciple rather than a teacher and master of his own.
We have an ear so that we may submit to others, and eyes that we may take care of others. Therefore, whoever in the church wants to become an eye and a leader and master of others, let him become an ear and a disciple first. This first.
The one who has not been tempted, what kind of things does he know? One who has not had experience, what kind of things does he know?
One who does not from experience know what temptations are like, will transmit not things that are known, but either things that are heard or seen, or, what is more dangerous, his own thoughts.
Therefore let him who wants to be sure and wants to counsel others faithfully first have some experience himself, first carry the cross himself and lead the way by his example, and so he will be made certain that he can also be of service to others."
School of Discipleship. Become a disciple first. It's what I've been doing with my pastor Tom May every Monday afternoon for the past three years. It has been my life the past three years. It is what I will be doing this next year in California. Before I can be entrusted with the hearts and minds of people, God will first make sure that what I transmit will not be of myself but of Him, wholly and entirely.
And He has left me a personal note as a reminder whenever I lose focus.
It's going to be an amazing year.
-Disciple of Christ, Jonathan Craigmyle
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