I find myself in an odd position to start 2015 out in. I seem to be in two places at once. To be two people at once. There has always been a stark contrast between where I have believed myself to be at and where I'd like to be. I am my harshest critic. I've never been in a place where I have such great clarity of both positions though. Whereas before the latter always seemed to be a distant goal, I now see myself grasping ahold of these goals in reality. Before I seemed to be trapped in an inescapable hole but I now see that the way out of the hole was never to climb by my own strength, but instead that I can simply walk out because the pit was always a cave. My perception was simply wrong.
Foggy dreams have become sharpened and seem closely within grasp, the condemning voices within have fallen from shouts to whispers, confidence arises and for the first time in memory, I am trusting the hope that is growing inside.
The shift came when my perception changed. Instead of seeing a great chasm between who I was currently and who I wanted to become, I learned that I am already that person. I simply act outside of that reality because I have forgotten who I was made to be. If I was made in the image of a perfect God, then where are my faults? Some may reply, "You are a sinner saved by grace!" But I say, "I am not a sinner, I am a saint. Not by virtue of my actions, but by His. It's done and dealt with. Let it stay buried." So it is easy to forget due to lies I came to believe and constructed survival patterns I taught myself because I knew no other way. There has never been self condemnation in that, though I allowed myself to believe it and beat myself with it. Now that I remember who I am, I have no use of it and choose to discard it.
It's still an odd place to be. Seeing yourself in two positions though you're not. And yet you are. I have come face to face with patterns of thought and belief structures formed from my youngest years. I see them with great clarity. I know they are wrong and yet I still instinctively act them out. And yet I see them, for the very first time. And it feels like freedom. Freedom because I know I don't have to climb out because I will simply walk out over time. This is the true power of grace. It frees. It allows the freedom for our wrong thinking/acting/believing to become manifest so that it arises to the surface to be dealt with. It allows the freedom to choose if one wants to deal with it or not. And even if it is not dealt with the first time, grace allows the freedom to choose again the next time and time after time after time it gives that option, without fail.
How could I not respond to a love that offers that? Unyielding in its goodness, in its desire to see us free and remembering who we are. Gentle, never giving us more weight then we can shoulder. I have to chase it to see where it leads and yet I know it doesn't end, it only leads to more encounters of the same love. On and on it goes to new heights and new exciting discoveries.
And so I enter 2015 with excitement. My vision sharpens and am beginning to see deep dreams take shape before me as if it had a life of its own. I am forgetting who I thought I was and I am remembering who I am created to be. And it is amazing.
And so my prayer for all those who have partnered with me in this journey and those who are reading this letter is this. Blessed be your year. May you have experiences with the Father so rich and pronounced in His love that you are forever changed. May this be a year in your perception changes and you come face to face with the old, so that you can turn to the new. That you find a safe harbor, a safe people to community with. That you remember dreams you have forgotten and begin to see them take shape. That you remember the song of your heart. I bless you in the name of my Father, His Son and His Holy Spirit.
-Jonathan Craigmyle
